ULTIMATEly CRUSHed

Don’t worry; I am just as surprised as you are to see myself writing this to you. This wasn’t needed; not now or never at all either. But I just can’t keep the feelings to myself. It’s eating me up from inside, worse than any parasite could. Let me just speak it out. It’ll be over before we know it ourselves.

I have this thing called crush for you. We have it normally, especially for teenagers like me and like you were. But no, this isn’t gonna be just as normal as I thought it would be. The feelings you bring me – I never experienced such from all my crushes put together. This is so different and it felt so new to me. And I love it. I’ve told you this once before and I’ll repeat it just in case it hadn’t sunk into your senses. It sounds rather cheesy but then, it encompasses the thing I have for you. Well, yes – you really are my ultimate crush. You don’t have to mind the adjective I use. Let it be because it’s the only word the dictionary could provide to perfectly describe what and who and how you are to me. And I’m not expecting to be just the same with you. No, not even the penultimate – that’s not required and never necessary.

You’re 22 and I’m 16. I’m young but you have a queer word to substitute for it – immature. For you, it’s worse than just being young and that makes the you and me part of my fantasies utterly impossible. ‘Cause to you, I am but an immature puppy earnestly seeking for some cuddling and hugging. But you get it all wrong, that’s not what I need. I only wanted some friendship from you – a genuine, true and special one that I could treasure, that we both could. I admit, I was really excited of the thoughts of us together. For quite a time, it became my dream and making it come true almost became my mission. But before it goes deeper and before I totally lose all bodily control to keep me from prancing into you, I reluctantly dissolved those from my thoughts. It was damn impossible and that it wouldn’t do any good to either of us. And besides, you never really liked me.

That doesn’t matter to me. I have known from the very first that we were never meant to be more than acquaintances and schoolmates and I actually accepted that already. It’s just that it hurts how I seem like a dot to you when you haven’t gave me chances at all to make you realize that dots could be important too, that I, your dot, could be important too. You were my everyday sip of morning coffee. You kept me warm but you fueled my heart till it pleaded for more, only to be left with nothing from you. I hate how you kept your ears shut when my tongue itched too much to tell you of its stories. You never exerted any effort of knowing me at all when I was more than willing to divulge into your insides and understand your very person. I was a friend. Yet you never saw me like that.

I’m not being bitter at how you never reciprocated the kindness and care I showed you. I mean, why should I be angry? You never really liked me to enter into your life. But the damage’s done. I guess we just need to endure it a little longer. You don’t need to worry. You just have to be very optimistic, you know. Think of this – you’ll be graduating soon and that means never ever having to see me again. Isn’t that great?

But well, I’m sorry but I couldn’t suppress the feelings that fast. Because the chills and thrills are still there at the mere mention of your name. The spasms of frenzies are still there when I see you. Your smile still is the stimulus for fainting and that it had seem so natural for my body to act that way. Your face and the sight of it still bring me into hyperventilation. I still remember how tender your lips had been on my cheek, how smooth the curves of your scribble when you wrote my name in that sheet of paper (I still have it.), and how blinding the sparkles are when you smile at me. I still remember the whole of you and how it melts me faster than ice would. But in any case, I shall be here still. I will be around till you ask me to stay away.

We don’t need to say goodbye since we never had any hellos to start with. Good luck. See you around. I will still want to see you smile because I still would want to be your friend.