Por Uno

I ranked 11th in the Dean’s List. It could have been a major achievement and a reason for me to revel and enjoy. But, much to the contrary, it wasn’t really fun. It even caused me hours of despair and emotion-control. For me, this stood out just like another of those monuments of my stupidity and carelessness. So, as I stood in front of S421, with my neck stretched as if crying to heavens for mercy, I had to bargain with my lacrimal glands and told them to shut up their secretions. Not here and not now, I begged. I don’t need to cry. Only major losers do that. And I’m not gonna be one.

I know it’s not that low and that it’s even high. But men, as they say, are naturally-born impatient and always wanting of more than what they can actually have. And like the rest of my species, I felt the same. I wanted more. Because I know I deserved more. Those seconds of me standing infront of that thin sheet of paper seemed almost a lifetime. For once, all my aspirations crumbled down to a mesh of unfulfilled dreams. Of all my disappointments with myself, this was the most disheartening. I felt a million times more worthless. I started to believe I was born a loser.

While everybody seemed fascinated, I was otherwise. They started congratulating me, exclaiming their hurrahs and whatevers to me, and extending their hands to shake mine. They thought I was happy and that I felt so much proud of this, but I was more than willing to play with their thoughts. As they relayed their greetings of congratulations, I just half-smiled back and/or replied with an expressionless emoticon. Then viola! Curtain falls. End of show.

I deserved to be ridiculed and be called nasty names. I know I was a bit hyper-OA. I could just have been joyful of my feat rather than sulking like I had just tasted the sourest vinegar. I was a little ‘mafeeling’ too and insensitive even because I didn’t seem to consider that not all reaches it this high and that there are a lot of people there who would trade their lives just to have my position. I’ve been ungrateful too, wasting my time worrying too much about something not really destined for me. I should just have thanked God for giving me this blessing and that could have been the end of sojourning. But obviously, I didn’t do such and so here am I, feeling worse than ever. What a loser I had been for wanting more!

I have exceeded my personal best, and that makes me a winner.

But then, there’s a why to my reacting like this. When I say more, I mean a thin margin of about 0.032 points. When I say more, I mean a single step up. When I say more, I only wanted to belong to the top ten and avail of the scholarship for the topnotchers. When I say more, I only wanted to help my mama and papa reduce their anxieties about where to get the money for my tuition. I wanted to extend a hand to my parents whose shoulders might have now been badly displaced because of the hardship of sending their son to college. I only wanted more, simply because I had less. I didn’t care about the honor and prestige and the admiration of people. Those didn’t matter to me anymore. Those materialistic, superficial, nonsense idealisms were not in parallelism with my beliefs. However, it just crashes my heart, even harder than a hammer, to think that I missed the top ten with just a slight difference, just one miscalculated step.

Everything was my fault. I expected too much and forgot all about rationality and wise thinking along the way. I was too cool and too careless and too clumsy. I didn’t really listen well to my instructors and trusted myself too much, believing that I could do it even without them. I fed to insecurities when instead, I could have concentrated more on exorcising my personal demons. Too much self-confidence destroyed me. And of course, I wouldn’t let it destroy me again. The if only’s are too agonizing to think about anymore. But then, all is done. Consummatum est.

I have blamed myself hard enough. And now, it’s time to regain optimism, spirit and faith. Who cares if I’m not in the top ten? I’m still on the top 20! And at least, I was 11th and not 12th or 13th even. And boy, I beat almost 200+ students for the eleventh position. That’s something already! And the scholarship? Well, I could try a little bit harder this semester so that when it ends, I don’t have to do sourgraping anymore. And my parents understand it, too. They’re glad I made it this high. It still was a good start.

I have exceeded my personal best, and that makes me a winner.

And, there was nothing to really worry about. I was only hyper-acting again, I guess.
Hey, I’m DL#11. Now that’s a reason to celebrate.