DOughNuTs

when you flash that cheshire smile
i begin to wander away from time
'cause you set the shivers up my spine
and take the air out of my windpipe
i always want to be closer to you
have your smile and wipe away my blues
touch your dimples, see how deep they are
and marvel how your teeth shine like stars

i. LIKE. you. but i don't love you.

when you let your hand touch my cheeks
i begin to melt swifter than cheese
'cause you get my hormones running quick
and set the whole of me in fiery shrieks
i always want you to fire me up
have you next to me, give me enough
satiate my hunger and quench my thirst
be my partner in this drama unrehearsed

i. DESIRE. you. and i don't love you.

when you stare so hard into my eyes
i begin to daydream and fantasize
'cause you just let me be mesmerized
and from the pain, anaesthesized
i always want you to stare a little longer
and have my digits between your fingers
brush our elbows, stargaze together
and lay my head gently on your shoulder

i. CARE. for. you. yet i don't love you.

just like. only desire. merely care.
not love. never yet. never there.

2 + 1

nakapiit, nakakadena

ang alab pilit kumakawala

pinapaso, inuupos lalo

sinusunog na parang abo

may kirot, may hapdi

bawat kislot at dampi

mahirap, nakakapagod

mabigat ang bawat hatak at hagod

may binubulong, may dinadaing

makahulugan ang bawat tingin

inuubos, kinukunsomo

kabuuan ng diwa't pagkatao

pinupukaw, nag-uumapaw

uhaw ang s'yang nangingibabaw

binabalot, wari'y kinukulong

nawawalang saysay ang dunong

ito ang triangulong hinabi ng panahon

pagkatapos, pagka-apula ng apoy

balik sa dati, huhupa ang panaghoy

di sinasadya, lalong di nagkataon

ito ang triangulong hinabi ng panahon

CORNY FILES: Pag-ibig (daw)

Tamang-tama for the Love Month. Crushes, first love, flirting, ligawan, love theories, at kung ano pang kakornihan. Dinggin (o basahin, more appropriately) kung pa'no pumintig ang puso ni Pico.

Umibig na ‘ko. Kung ilang ulit na rin. Sa maling tao sa tamang panahon o sa tamang tao sa maling panahon o sa maling tao sa pareho ding maling panahon. Basta. Laging parang mismatched kaya parang lagi ring mali. Ipokrito ako kung sasabihin kong alam na alam ko na lahat ang mga twists and turns ng usapang pag-ibig dahil kahit madami na rin ako’ng karanasan d’un, e mahirap pa ring maiwasang madapa’t minsa’y malugmok sa tae ng kalabaw. Ganun daw talaga. Wala naman kasi sa atin ang perpekto. Maging tae ng kalabaw.

Medyo clear pa sa’kin kung pa’no nag-start ang mga adventures ko with discovering what love is. Grade 2, 7 years young ako n’ung una akong nagka-crush. Of course, natatandaan ko ‘yun kasi nga first. At dahil neophyte pa sa kakatwang naramdaman, excited naman daw ako’ng nag-kuwento sa Papa ko. At ang sabi niya, “Halika. Ligawan natin.” Nalimutan atang musmos pa ako’t di ko pa alam ibig sabihin ng ‘ligaw.’ Namatay naman agad ‘yung feeling. Very superficial kasi, tsaka another thing, immature at unrealistic. Kaya napundi agad ‘yung spark at nawala ‘yung magnetic force kuno. End of first crush. At simula n’un, alam ko na kung ano ang crush. At kung saang folder sa computer ko s’ya ica-categorize: sa Recycle Bin.

Dumaan ang ilang years at nagpatuloy naman daw ako sa paghaharvest ng mga crushes at paglilista sa kanila sa mga slum books na usung-uso n’ung grade school days. Grade 4, Valentine’s, binigyan ko ng plastic rose y’ung crush ko. Kinilig sa Papa n’ung nabalitaan n’ya. “Ba’t plastic?,” sumbat naman ni Mama. Binawi ko y’ung rose dahil sa pressure. Sad story. Grade 5, nagka-crush ako sa isang Grade 2. Y’un ang first exposure ko sa pedopilya. Nakakahiya. Grade 5 din, iniyakan ko y’ung crush ko dahil napabalitang may leukemia. Malay ko ba, kinabukasan, nakita ko s’ya. In perfect shape. Ah. Chismis talaga oo.

Pero, karamihan, imbento ko lang. Para nga may masulat sa slum book. Para may ipe-pair ka sa pangalan mo for FLAMES na isa pang dakilang kakornihan ng olden times. At para makasabay ka sa trend na dapat may crush ka. Sabi kasi ng teacher namin dati, abnormal ang taong walang crush. Natakot kaming maging abnormal kaya kanya-kanya kami sa paghahanap ng magiging crush. Parang ‘The Quest for the Potential Crush’. Ang sagwa.

First year, 11 years young ko na nadama (Duh!) y’ung first love na sinasabi sa mga pocket books na saksakan ng kakornihan. Tawagin man nila itong puppy love, calf love, kitten love, kid love o tadpole love, wala akong pakialam. Alam ko sa sarili ko na love y’un. At hindi naman tuta o kiti-kiti first love ko. Y’un na. Umpisa ng kakornihang tunay.

Nakakaadik ang first love. For the first time in my life, nakagawa ako ng diary chronicling every little bit of my everyday with her. Nag-ala William Shakespeare at nakagawa ng kung ilang poems at sonata. Nagpuyat at gumasto para maka-text s’ya gabi-gabi. Dinuldul ang dila sa asukal para magkaroon naman daw ako ng kahit ilang ounces ng kasweet-an sa katawan. Nakipag-eye-to-eye hanggang sa magkaduling-duling. Sumulyap-sulyap kahit may muta. Pinilit palapit ang sarili kahit obvious namang pinipilit din n’yang ilayo ang sarili sa akin. Nagpipilitan kami. Ganun.

Naging kami din, pero juniors na kami n’un. Madaming nang-yari din before naging kami at ayoko nang ikuwento lahat para ‘di mo iplagiarize ang sarili kong love story. Nagtagal kaming four months, approximately. Pero parang a year and a half din kung counted y’ung MU days namin. Y’un ang first love ko.

Two days after kami nag-break, nakahanap ako agad ng bago. And ‘eto na nga, true love. On the process pa love story namin na inabot na din ng 28 months. Madami kaming napagdaanang obstacles, talo na nga namin ung mga hurdlers sa Olympics e. Kinutya, inapi, inalipusta, kinatulong, sinampal, sinuntok, sinabunutan, inagawan ng human rights, pinatulog sa bodega, dinuldol ang face sa putik at kung ano pang kadramahang ginagawa sa mga bida sa telenobela tuwing hapon. Ganun katindi napagdaanan namin. Pero mas matindi kami. Kaya heto, kami pa din. Bakit? Dahil masaya ako. Period. At dahil mahal ko s’ya. Ellipsis.

Pero tulad din ng telenovela sa TV, may unexpected twists and istorya. Para may spice at adventure at para tumaas ang viewer patronage. Magkalayo kasi kami ni true n’un. E mainipin ako. Nag-hanap akong iba, nakita ko s’ya. Classmate ko n’ung kinder. Nagkamabutihan, naging kami, nag-break after some months, nagka-ayos, naging friends. Ayun, always like kindergarten pa din.

Walang calculations sa love. Walang mga formulas na isusubstitute na lang ang mga variables for it to work out. Para sa’kin, ‘di talaga s’ya komplikado. Nagiging ganun lang dahil sa mga circumstances. ‘Di bulag ang pag-ibig. Iba ang bulag sa nagbubulag-bulagan.

‘Di lang d’un nagtatapos mga pakikipag-sapalaran ko sa pag-ibig. Kasi once in a while, nagkaka-crush pa din ako. Malamang, kasi naniniwala pa rin ako kay teacher. At ayoko pa ding maging abnoy kahit obvious namang ganun talaga ako.

Here follow a list of them and some descriptions:
(1) Si LAKI-ULO. Mahanagin, ma-ere, daig ang mga gargantuan fans sa kayabangan. I regret being attracted with such useless creature. Days older than me.
(2) Si KID. Napaka-vulnerable, fragile. Matalino pero inosente. Days older than me.
(3) Si MASCOT. Nakakatawa, mukhang clown. A year older.
(4) Si PANGIT. Sarcasm ‘yan. ‘Di na n’ya ata ako kilala. Year older.
(5) Si DL. Seatmate ko’ng kahilig mag-kuwento. Mukhang madaming alam na chismis. Basta, older.
(6) Si KA-BUS. Nakasabayan ko on a trip back to Baguio. Magaling sumulyap. Looks older.
(7) Si BANTAY. Hindi s’ya aso a. Nakita ko s’ya sa isang seminar. May braces. 2 years older.
(8) Si DHARREN. Cute. Older.
(9) Si ENORMOUS. Mukhang higante. Years older.
(10) Si CUTE. Literal. Daig ang emoticon sa pag-ngiti. Decades older.

Umibig na nga ako. Pero, ‘di ko pa rin kayang imemorize kung pa’no talaga tumatakbo ang pag-ibig. Dahil pagdating sa usaping ganun, nagiging abnoramally dumb talaga ako. Walang silbi y’ung mga advices ng mga love gurus sa FM o mga quotations sa text. That’s not the real thing. ‘Di ko kayang paniwalain ang sarili ko’ng there exist fundamentals about sa love. There’s no such as Love 101 talaga. Walang mga standards na dapat sundin at kung meron, you have all the freedom to deviate from it.

Walang calculations sa love. Walang mga formulas na isusubstitute na lang ang mga variables for it to work out. Para sa’kin, ‘di talaga s’ya komplikado. Nagiging ganun lang dahil sa mga circumstances. ‘Di bulag ang pag-ibig. Iba ang bulag sa nagbubulag-bulagan. At ba’t natin isasali ang mga bulag sa katangahang nagagawa natin for love? Wag mo ko’ng tatanungin kung ano ba ang pag-ibig. Sasagutin kita ng matimtimang titig. Ikaw lang ang makakasagot n’yan. Love is subjective. Iba-iba ang pagtingin natin dito. At kahit pa sabihin ng isa na ‘ang lab sa’kin ay parang tae ng kalabaw,’ wala tayong magagwa d’un dahil ganun ang tingin n’ya, wala kang karapatang iquestion y’un.

Pero ang nakakabad-trip e kung ba’t ‘pag an’dyan na, nawawala na ang mga prinsipyo mo about pag-ibig. Nablu-blur na lahat ang nag-i-islow motion pa. Nawawalan ng saysay ang mga fundamentals na rineview mo. At literal ka nang bumagbagsak na parang nagtaa-time space warp ka into another dimension. Isa lang naman kasi ang totoo sa lahat sa’tin pag umiibig – nawawalan tayo ng katinuan at ang tae ng kalabaw ay nagiging perpekto sa ating mga mata. Yuck. How gross.

Por Uno

I ranked 11th in the Dean’s List. It could have been a major achievement and a reason for me to revel and enjoy. But, much to the contrary, it wasn’t really fun. It even caused me hours of despair and emotion-control. For me, this stood out just like another of those monuments of my stupidity and carelessness. So, as I stood in front of S421, with my neck stretched as if crying to heavens for mercy, I had to bargain with my lacrimal glands and told them to shut up their secretions. Not here and not now, I begged. I don’t need to cry. Only major losers do that. And I’m not gonna be one.

I know it’s not that low and that it’s even high. But men, as they say, are naturally-born impatient and always wanting of more than what they can actually have. And like the rest of my species, I felt the same. I wanted more. Because I know I deserved more. Those seconds of me standing infront of that thin sheet of paper seemed almost a lifetime. For once, all my aspirations crumbled down to a mesh of unfulfilled dreams. Of all my disappointments with myself, this was the most disheartening. I felt a million times more worthless. I started to believe I was born a loser.

While everybody seemed fascinated, I was otherwise. They started congratulating me, exclaiming their hurrahs and whatevers to me, and extending their hands to shake mine. They thought I was happy and that I felt so much proud of this, but I was more than willing to play with their thoughts. As they relayed their greetings of congratulations, I just half-smiled back and/or replied with an expressionless emoticon. Then viola! Curtain falls. End of show.

I deserved to be ridiculed and be called nasty names. I know I was a bit hyper-OA. I could just have been joyful of my feat rather than sulking like I had just tasted the sourest vinegar. I was a little ‘mafeeling’ too and insensitive even because I didn’t seem to consider that not all reaches it this high and that there are a lot of people there who would trade their lives just to have my position. I’ve been ungrateful too, wasting my time worrying too much about something not really destined for me. I should just have thanked God for giving me this blessing and that could have been the end of sojourning. But obviously, I didn’t do such and so here am I, feeling worse than ever. What a loser I had been for wanting more!

I have exceeded my personal best, and that makes me a winner.

But then, there’s a why to my reacting like this. When I say more, I mean a thin margin of about 0.032 points. When I say more, I mean a single step up. When I say more, I only wanted to belong to the top ten and avail of the scholarship for the topnotchers. When I say more, I only wanted to help my mama and papa reduce their anxieties about where to get the money for my tuition. I wanted to extend a hand to my parents whose shoulders might have now been badly displaced because of the hardship of sending their son to college. I only wanted more, simply because I had less. I didn’t care about the honor and prestige and the admiration of people. Those didn’t matter to me anymore. Those materialistic, superficial, nonsense idealisms were not in parallelism with my beliefs. However, it just crashes my heart, even harder than a hammer, to think that I missed the top ten with just a slight difference, just one miscalculated step.

Everything was my fault. I expected too much and forgot all about rationality and wise thinking along the way. I was too cool and too careless and too clumsy. I didn’t really listen well to my instructors and trusted myself too much, believing that I could do it even without them. I fed to insecurities when instead, I could have concentrated more on exorcising my personal demons. Too much self-confidence destroyed me. And of course, I wouldn’t let it destroy me again. The if only’s are too agonizing to think about anymore. But then, all is done. Consummatum est.

I have blamed myself hard enough. And now, it’s time to regain optimism, spirit and faith. Who cares if I’m not in the top ten? I’m still on the top 20! And at least, I was 11th and not 12th or 13th even. And boy, I beat almost 200+ students for the eleventh position. That’s something already! And the scholarship? Well, I could try a little bit harder this semester so that when it ends, I don’t have to do sourgraping anymore. And my parents understand it, too. They’re glad I made it this high. It still was a good start.

I have exceeded my personal best, and that makes me a winner.

And, there was nothing to really worry about. I was only hyper-acting again, I guess.
Hey, I’m DL#11. Now that’s a reason to celebrate.

My Ruthless Love

You hold my thoughts. I can only think about you at the moment. You’ve flushed out the rest of my consciousness. You blind me. You impair my sense of reason. You are so devastating. Even before we’ve met, I was already under your command. I was anticipating our first meeting. I wasn’t afraid and nor was I thrilled. I was just simply numb. I didn’t know what exactly to expect. But certainly, bliss and joy were never on the probable list. I have heard so much of you. So much that I felt we’ve been acquaintances for a long time now. Or maybe, adversaries...

I know how many hearts you’ve broken. How many hopes and dreams you’ve shattered. How many lives you’ve turned miserable. There’s just too many, you’ve made me believe heartbreakers do exist. And I definitely knew my heart; my hopes and dreams; and my life would be next. I am your new victim.

I’ll break free of these chains you’ve put around me and I’ll let you wear it around your neck.

You are cruel. Cold. Uncaring. Though I didn’t want you in me, I still let you. Because I must. I must love you. I must let you into my system. I must allow you. You are an indispensable need. And I hate that you are. I surrendered almost unconditionally to you. I let you into me, breaking into my fragileness and beyond. I just let you do it. I allowed you to hurt me, injure me, wound me. I know you weren’t satisfied when you saw me incapacitated. You were craving for much more suffering. You’ve shown me no mercy and I can see that you never intend to show me some. I was losing, and I almost wanted you to conquer the whole of me.

But, I wasn’t gonna give up easily. You bruise me, yes. You make me cry. You numb my heart. You cloud up my thoughts. But I am strong. I know you are stronger. Just look at how many people you have made weak. But then again, even Samson had his weakness. Delilah was his frailty; I shall be yours.

You seem unconquerable; a castle heavily fortified. But I don’t need a knight anymore to save me from you. I’m doing it myself. I’m going to save myself. I’ll break free of these chains you’ve put around me and I’ll let you wear it around your neck.

You are not the strongest. I’m breaking loose of your dominion. I’ll conquer you. I’ll win over you. I don’t want you to be the source of my depression for the rest of my life. You are simply not worth it. Yes, I need you. But it's just so unfair to let you kill me. And yes, I love you. So much that it hurts. And I’m not that dumb to just let you linger.

You won’t hurt me again; I won’t be giving you any more chances. And I promise: You won't get to destroy me. Because I'm not gonna flunk you, ACCTG 101. Never.